Vanity & Hurdles


A word that I have processed for some time now.  When I was very young, I believed all vanity to be associated with the physical appearance.  However, as I have grown older I see that it can manifest in a multitude of ways.  I must attach my own personal disclaimer to this topic because I suffer from the effects of it at moments too.  Not something I am proud, but honest.

I consider myself to be confident about my physical appearance and my abilities as a person.  Yet I do not assume that all would see me in the same light because preferences vary amongst us all.  My desire to appear “strong” is likely related to vanity.  There is truth in the strength, but it is an illusion that strength remains constant or that I can control everything about it.      

Excessive vanity leads us to self absorbed behavior that may prevent us from truly connecting with other human beings.  It has prevented me from connecting in past and it has been a process that I continue to examine when necessary.  I do not care for “road blocks” in myself and seek to dismantle the impediments when I see the tool that will remove it from my direction. 

I see how vanity manifests in the people of the world and it concerns me the way it affects their interractions with others.  I suppose, this experience has left me a little sad in the past because I knew that the person I cared for (friend or lover, unimportant which one) would not attempt to jump the hurdle.  I knew in my heart that a deep impasse remained between us and that there was nothing that could be done to resolve situation until they chose to face it.  That is if they did at all.  No resentment on my part for the person, just regret for having to let go of the person at some level or completely. 

I remember what an accomplishment I felt when I learned to hurdle in high school.  I was a distance runner (metaphor for my character) and not much of a sprinter.  Yet I did learn how to do it and was fairly descent in the few meets I participated.  Maybe all these experiences that appeared insiginificant really were the beginnings of the person I am today.  I have been toughened by life, but have not lost my sense of childlike wonder.  If the wonder has survived this long maybe it will remain to the end of my time here.





a dream….

I dreamt about my brother last night.  We had a conversation.  As I awoke, I knew I needed to speak with him today.  Then I realized that he could not be reached because he had passed on already.  It felt so real.

I realized that a friend of mine reminds me of him in ways. I am grateful for this opportunity.  Life does provide us opportunties to make peace with our past.

I truly am fortunate.





Okay, this is a slight exaggeration.  However, today I had the opportunity to speak with someone that I had not heard the voice of in years.  It really was fabulous!  The sound of voices have such an impact on me.  They have the ability to be comforting, calming, exciting, erotic, scary, intense, domineering and simply downright sexy!

of course, the choice of words plays a role in the exchange.


I had a much needed good day!

I was listening to a song by Holly Dunn “No One Takes The Train Anymore.” I remember a trip to Austin, Texas about 10 years ago. On a whim, I bought a round trip ticket to Austin from Seattle (where I lived at time). I stayed in a youth hostel by a lake and i find it such a fond memory in my mind.

I remember listening to my cassette player and walking by the water. I took the bus and wondered around the city. It was fortunate to meet people from all over the world as well. It was September in midst of their rainy season.

I met a man from England that had stayed in Seattle earlier that year. He was requested to leave the youth hostel in Seattle because he had sex with a woman in the basement. The basement had a camera set up! Eeek! One evening we all went out to hear music at the Continental Club. We were transported by two German men who were very rockabilly. Clothing, hair, music, car etc and a Scottish man as well. The young man from England was black and the German and Scottish fellows decided to be *?&oles! and became very hostile towards him.

Okay, I know that all sounds a little bleak, but I guarantee the story leads to a funny good place. For my last night, everybody drank way too much alcohol and some really cute Nordic girls went skinnydipping! Of course, I was too wasted on the side of the lake to get in water. I was uncertain what team they were playing, but I can be quite convincing to the indecisive woman! ok…just kidding. I am really not that egotistical. just playful.

This “passing out” occurred on one other occasion with a woman. Except it was much worse. We fooled around at a party and I must have fallen asleep on her. She was really upset with me the next morning and a little hostile when I awoke. That was a wee bit awkward, but she really was not my type. I ended up dating her friend very briefly. However, that is another story…..

So I moved from sentimentalism…….to the antics of my life. i think i will leave it this way. Tis representative of how my mind truly works!

i leave you with this song because the lyrics have always touched me. I know its “Grease”, but I have always liked her character. Stockard Channing always plays it genuine. Something I respect in others and aspire for in myself.

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